slipshod happiness?

im cutting again she says she wants to date other guys so i said okay even though i am crying about it and dying inside but i figured it out if i cut i dont cry! im okay if i cut so i'll cut for the next 2 years and she can be happy with whatever guy she wants and i can be okay while i wait cause i'll be cutting :) im happy again and im glad i figured it out

release

UGH shes drunk again and with guys and now i have to spend all night wondering what she's doing and who with hopefully she'll tell me the truth tomorrow i hate this i havent talked to her like all day and now she's out drinking i just feel unimportant i miss her sooo much i hope she doesn't do anything but i wish i had people to go out and get drunk with every weekend like heri mean if i wanted to i guess i could but it just know she doesnt want me to so i don't but then she goes and does and doesn't even think twice about me. its terribly annoying. i mean doesn't she think i wanna go out there and hook up with chicks but she'd flip a shit and i dont want that, so i decided not to do anything because i love her oh well i think i may go out late and goof around tomorrow night i could use a good drink i love her but she hurts me and doesn't care enough to stop so im gonna go out and drink tmw fun stuff

broke

the deed is done she has in fact hooked up with another guy and of course i care and it kills me but i will never tell her that i want her to be happy even if that means going out and letting other dudes finger her and eat her out its gonna kill me and i'm gonna be broken into pieces but i cant let her think im controlling or let her know it kills me but oh well i guess i'll have to fake the smile i always do i love her and i just need to keep telling myself she's worth it

well

well life sucks but i'll live
i miss her everyday and even though she gets mad aout who i hangout with i'll never say she can't hang out with someone even if it kills me because i love her and i trust her she really is perfect :) thats the only good thing that she loves me thats what gets me throuh each and every day

today

well today started rough and ended rougher
i started the day by nearly puking up my guts every where then i had to go to school school wasn't to terrible but its school and its intimidating so it sucks anyway i have no classes with my friends and its bad it drives me insane i have no one to talk to during class i txted her today again while i was in apchem god she got me horny and my mom txted me saying she found out it was a boy i told her that and she was happy why is everyone so happy about this? is it weird i think its a bad thing? my mom could die in child birth. im afraid of that. i don't wanna lose my mom as much as i hate her i dont want lose her. then i found out i made the play my initial thought was YAY but then i looked at the parts and who was cast as what and i realized i didn't get a major part . . . again and i guess i just got my hopes up too much, but is that suck a bad thing?? Mr. G says im a good actor and that he know it but he hasn't given me a significant part yet its alittle annoying but its not that big of a deal. then she got mad at me mad cause i kept calling her then having to hang up she got angry but atleast i was trying! and then i got home and had to wait an hour and a half to talk to her and then she tells me she has plans for the night. i thought oh well, i know i cant keep her occupied while im so far away but then she told me she was horny and i thought shit, she's gonna hook up with whoever this guy is in a hot tub while most of her clothes are already off. idk why but its always the first thing that hops in my head. i hate it i get sooooo jealous, like amazingly. i wish i was enough for her but i know i couldnt be enough im a stupid asshole i make her mad all the time and i don't know why. I love her so much, but she twists everything i do and say and makes me feel bad about myself for even speaking i love her so much she's so perfect. i think she just doesnt fully trust me yet. i and i get it she's been hurt before but sometimes she tends to treat me like i only wanna have sex and i dont. i love her thoughshe is perfect for me
*new addition*
then someone she hates talked to her tonight and she was a venomous to her i didn't want to be mean but she didn't like her so i allowed it then she wanted to bring me into it and i begged her not to she didn't listen and then wanted to make me seem that way at the end of the conversation i got her not to but she got angry we had a little fight but fixed things

and she never hooked up with him :)

so today i decided to write on my blog i thought about posting more poems and songs but im alittle lazy and i have lots of them

today i spent time talking to her it was amazing until we got mad at eachother but we have the weirdest relationship she gets mad at me cause i say something that she interprets as offensive and then we'll argue a bit and make up. im so afraid, her emotions are alittle rough to read i can never tell when she's joking or not today she said, " I wear the pants in this relationship." that kinda got me annoyed it made me feel belittled and powerless and so i proceeded to say i think im gonna wear some pants now, and i believe she disagreed and i said i'd leave the video she said i wouldn't and i did it was an impulsive stupid idea but i just wanted to feel equal i know what some women fell like i didn't wanna be alittle bitch but i didn't wanna be controlling either i just wanna share the pants equally i love her so much i came back and said i couldn't do it, she called me an asshole. i was very sorry i didn't really wanna go i just wanted to feel alittle authority we worked it out but i miss her all the time im in love that passionate feeling that you feel about that special someone.

i love her and i will get up there soon
te amo mi vida